This is, at least to a degree, meant to be sarcastic. Feel free to add to the list in the comments. I love personal stories of our interactions with the idiots in society.
1) People who can’t use turn signals. I don’t know if it’s something you’re simply incapable of or if you refuse to use the damn thing just to be a rebellious little bastard, but it’s really irritating when you practically come to a stop in front of me and give me no warning or reason for it. There were many features on your vehicle that were optional when you bought it–your turn signal was NOT one of them.
2) Fidgety, noisy kids in movie theaters. Dammit, I paid ten bucks just to get in! I’m sure you don’t want to be bothered by having to sit them down and tell them to knock off the noise, but I actually want to hear the movie I’m here to see (which, by the way, those little rodents are way too young to be seeing). Keep ’em on a leash.
2b) Parents who don’t know how to tell their kids NO. How hard is this? If you’d started putting your foot down when they were toddlers, they wouldn’t be such jerks today at age 6! And if you grow a pair now instead of later, you might spare yourself having to pick them up from jail after they steal a car at age 15.
3) Teenagers who think they’re all that. I realize not all teenagers fit this category, but here’s a few things those who do need to know: a) trying to be dark and brooding for shock value does not have the desired effect; b) smoking isn’t cool; and c) you are NOT a badass.
4) Anti-war protesters. I didn’t give you permission to hold a cross for my loved one in your demonstration, and you sure as hell never asked. But I’m sure if I had told you not to, you’d have ignored me anyway, ’cause you’re sure I’m misguided and angry and I just need a hug. I’m wondering how you can breathe with your head so far up your ass.
5) People who don’t know how to be neighbors. Okay, folks…we live in a condo complex. When you slam the door you rattle everyone else’s windows. When you yell you wake everyone else up. Loud music at two in the morning does not make you cool; it makes you a jerk. It makes me want to pelt you with paintballs as you’re sitting on your porch with a smoke. A little consideration goes a looooong way.
6) People who don’t realize that they’re idiots when they’re drunk. You were the reason AA was created; take heed and use it. I AM A LESBIAN, therefore completely uninterested in straight men; if you grind your crotch on me you will get a first-class beatdown. Your first step to a new life starts with a night in the drunk tank at the local jail. Don’t drop the soap.
7) People who don’t know how to park. You know what? My truck ain’t that big. If you make me crawl in the other way, I’m going to leave a nice little dent on your sportster on purpose. Don’t like it? Learn to back up and straighten yourself out, jackass!
7b) People who somehow can’t avoid denting your vehicle even when you give them more than enough room for their doors. Don’t be a prick.
8) Those of you who think you’re cool when you blast your rap from your car stereo in residential neighborhoods. Newsflash: there are still enough people in this world who hate rap to lynch you, especially when you go crusing by at some ungodly hour and wake us all up. That’s more than just a mild annoyance. Knock it the hell off.
9) Karaoke. I hate to be the one to break this to ya, folks, but karaoke is for people who have no talent. I’m writing a few new rules. First, if you don’t know the song, don’t attempt it; I’ll never be able to enjoy it again with your warbling in my head. Second, just because everyone in your family says you can sing doesn’t make it true–haven’t you watched the American Idol auditions? Third, if you’re one of those who does encourage a friend to sing when they really, truly suck, you’re buying the next round of drinks, ’cause I’m gonna need to be plastered to deal with that crap.
10) People who don’t know how to shut up. Whether we’re at work or school, why do some people feel it necessary to spread things they’ve heard to everyone? Good God, even churchians do it–“I have a major prayer request! Did you know Stan’s kid is going to drug counseling?” Chrissakes, I feel like a paranoid lunatic going over all the crap on my desk to make sure nobody’s going to see something too personal when I walk away because I know that if I don’t, I’m gonna hear it from five different people by the end of the day. The real winners, though, are the ones who insert themselves into the drama by inventing stories to get attention with, thereby making the whole thing worse. Keep your nose in your own business or someday, someone’s gonna break it. And if you come to me and say, “hey, I just heard…”, I will have no trouble telling you to piss off.
What annoys YOU?